I want to touch on mental health today mainly around depression, being someone that suffers with depression I have come to learn a lot about myself, when I went through a dark period a few years ago I decided that enough was enough, I wanted to get to the bottom of what is causing my depression and how can I navigate it better because I hated the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of isolation, withdrawing from everything, family, friends, work and hobbies.
I was a complete shell of a man compared to who I am today. The thing with depression is that everyone suffers differently and is never immediately obvious, at the time of my darkest period I approached my friends at the time about the struggles and how I was feeling, needless to say they weren't much help at all, rather than taking the time to talk and understand it was the usual "you'll be alright mate, chin up life isn't that bad"
But it was that bad, I remember laying awake at night just wishing I would die, praying for something to happen to me so that this demon inside of my head would be put to rest, I had planned to hang myself in my garage but realising how deep I was going into it was the wake up call I needed, my good friend Chris just so happened to get in touch with me one night, we we're talking and I don't know why but I just unloaded about everything, that night Chris saved me.
It was like he was sent from someone to message me, if it wasn't for his message I reckon I'd of been hanging from the rafters in my garage. It feels quite surreal writing that but this is the darkness that depression can bring. When talking to Chris I felt as though I was slowly climbing up out of that dark hole fighting that demon every step of the way, it then got to the point where I sought further help, I wanted to know more, I wanted to understand myself better, initially I was scared, not sure why, I guess because you feel as though you might be a psychopath because thats how society makes you feel with an illness like this.
I had managed to find a CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) session that suited me, with the help from MIND UK, they we're fantastic in helping me and therapy isn't sitting there on a sofa with some Doc taking notes, it can be online, over the phone or face to face depends really on what you feel comfortable with.
During my therapy I talked about everything I was completely open, initially I was guarded, naturally you would be because you're in a vulnerable state but in order to gain the most from the session I had to be vulnerable because I needed to understand why I kept slipping back into the darkness, I needed to know.
Turns out, from past traumas in my life, such as losing my sister at a young age, coupled with various other things, I also had identified that I suffer with intrusive thoughts, in case you don't know what intrusive thoughts are here is a description from MIND UK;
*Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary, and often disturbing thoughts, images, or urges that can suddenly appear in your mind. They can be upsetting, distressing, and feel difficult to manage or get rid of. Intrusive thoughts can be very varied, but they often take the form of:
Thoughts: "The kitchen surfaces must be disinfected before I cook"
Feelings or sensations: Checking doors and windows, checking your body or clothes, checking your memory, or checking your route
Memories: Flashbacks that are so vivid you can see, taste, smell, or hear sounds related to your trauma
Urges: Repeating words, names, or phrases, or counting to a certain number*
Intrusive thoughts can be triggered by stress or anxiety, caused by biological factors like hormone shifts, or associated with mental health disorders like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The more you try to push the thought away, the more it may persist.
After piecing together this puzzle of my mind realising I was suffering from PTSD due to the death of my sister, it was clear what was happening and why my depression kept coming back, the coping mechanisms that I was taught during my CBT sessions have helped me no end, I am less reliant on antidepressants only taking the smallest amount possible, coupled with exercising and eating better has certainly helped.
This isn't to gloat, it is to offer advice and provide my experience of what it was like for me to seek help, I know how difficult it can be to be vulnerable, open and scared, to let yourself say exactly how you're feeling but trust me it is better to be that than the alternative, Paddy "The Baddy" Pimblett gave an amazing speech once, it was:
"There’s a stigma in this world that men can’t talk. Listen. If you’re a man and you got weight on your shoulders and you think the only way you can solve it is by killing yourself. Please speak to someone. Speak to anyone. I know I’d rather my mate rather cry on my shoulder than go to his funeral next week. So please. Let’s get rid of this stigma. And men, start talking!"
I don't think I need to say anymore on that as it really does say it for itself, please if you're reading this and you've got weight on your shoulders please seek help, there are better days ahead you can beat your demons for a better life!
Thank you reading, as always I will see you in the next post, take care!
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